There was a huge church picnic today. I have to admit, it was a little rough for me. My kids would say it was an "epic failure"! Oh, don't get me wrong, the picnic itself was great. The food was yummy, (even if there was not a drop of real sauce at this "bar-b-que"! must be a North Carolina thing!) and everyone was super nice. The weather was clear, although it was hot as blue blazes, but I, once again, succumbed to my insecurities and found myself sitting on the outside looking in. Maybe it was the fact that it was so hot, maybe it was the fact that I still don't know many people very well, maybe it was the fact I was tired, didn't like what I was wearing and my shoes were too tight. It could have been any number of things. That's what I like to tell myself, but, inside, I know better. Once again the little demons of "what if they don't like me?" and "they don't really want to know me" and "if I talk to someone I'll just say something stupid" reared their ugly head. You may know them, I know them well. I'm also getting a little tired of them telling me how to live my life. It's just, well, I know them. They've been around for as long as I can remember and I really can't imagine life without them, but I'd like to. I don't want, at the end of my life, to look back and realize I missed out on so much because of fear; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of looking like a fool. I want to live life in a big way, the way I live it in my head.
I remember when I was young, you know, around the time of the dinosaurs, when the world should have been rife with possibilities. For me, it wasn't. There were, uuhh, how do I say this, certain restrictions put on me because of where we were in life as a family. Don't get me wrong, some very good things came out of the life we were living, but sometimes, I can't help but grieve for what could have been and never had a chance to be.
It was all complicated by the young man who destroyed my innocence when I was only 5 years old. He'll never know how what happened in that tool shed changed me inside. It took years for me to look at it clearly, to acknowledge the damage done to my little soul in only one afternoon. He left a deposit there that would remain for 30 years before God dug it out and threw it away. Complete healing, however, is a process. When you've spent 30 years acting and reacting a certain way, even after there's healing, there's the habits of living that have to be changed. We live as we think so, you could say, changing our mind is what is necessary. The Bible puts it another way; Romans 12:2 (amplified Bible)
2Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
It's the renewing of our minds that changes us. The shame that followed me, the feeling of always being different, of being damaged somehow has been healed by God. I have been set free by his amazing grace, yet, I still find myself falling into the same habits and patterns of behavior. I believe, as my mind is changed, renewed, if you will, by his word, these habits and patterns will fall by the way side as well. However, I have an active part in it. There's something for me to do. I have to see them for what they are, outdated, no longer necessary self-preservation behaviors, and do something about it. I have to have my mind renewed, my thinking changed.
We've all seen the burger commercial where they spout the old saying "change is good". Well, change may be good, but it's seldom easy! Admittedly, it would just be easier to say "this is the way I am, the way I've always been, it's all I know". However, when God calls us into something new, we can rarely accomplish all He has for us if we are dragging tons of baggage He's already made a way for us to off-load. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of dragging along a bag someone else packed for me. It gets exhausting in a hurry! God has broken the chains that bound it to me so I'm just gonna let it drop right here and start building a new outlook.
Take a good look at the picture at the top of this post. Do you really think that donkey is going anywhere fast? I think that is the way we look sometimes in the spiritual. We've allowed our wagon to get so loaded there's no way we can go anywhere! God says in Matthew 11:28 - 30 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." God's wagon will never tip you over with it's weight!
My goal this week will be to purposefully unload my wagon and work on changing my mind. My goal will also be to work on not purposefully changing my mind about unloading my wagon! lol I'm old, set in my ways, change doesn't come easy to me, but the potential rewards are luring me in. Look at the passage above. Notice anything in verse 29? It tells us the way to find peace is simply to learn of Him, "learn of me.....and ye shall find rest for your souls". I don't know about you, but I'm ready for some rest for my soul!
So, go learn of Him, it'll help unload your wagon.
Meanwhile, I find myself strangely craving oats with a side of hay.........
Soaked in His blessings,
Spokenfor
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