I’ve got just a bit of a bee in my bonnet today. Okay, I don’t actually wear a bonnet and
haven’t since I was about 5 years old (I have pictures to prove it, it was
white) and there is not actually a bee anywhere in sight, but I think you get
the drift of what I mean. I could say I
have a bone to pick, but that’s just nasty.
I mean, who wants to pick at bones?!
I thought about getting on my soap box but, honestly, I’m afraid of
heights so I thought it was best to stay away from that. All that to say that I am mildly annoyed
today and the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. Now I know some of you would just suggest
that I stop thinking so much because, let’s be honest, it’s not an activity for
which I am known to particularly excell.
All that to say, this is not the typical blog you, my dear readers, are
accustomed to seeing from me. I don’t
have a funny story or any more witty remarks.
What I do have is something near and dear to my heart that has been
weighing on me lately and I finally reached the point of needing to share it
with you. So, here goes……
I was having a conversation recently with a friend and
the topic of opposite gender friendships came up. This person, whom I greatly respect and
admire, made the statement that, although there was someone of the opposite sex
that they love like a sibling and would really love to sit down and have a one
on one conversation with, they knew they could never do that because it would
be inappropriate. At first, I found
myself agreeing with the wisdom of this statement. I mean, how many of us would think it
appropriate, if we are married, to sit down with a friend of the opposite sex
and have a private conversation, be it in a coffee shop or a corner café? It’s
better to be safe than sorry, right? No
need to court trouble, right? We should
avoid the appearance of evil, right?
On the surface, all of this sounds reasonable,
responsible even. But is it really? Let’s look a little closer at it. Is it not a case of our over-sexualizing
things? If this person is my brother or
sister in Christ, if I am happily married and committed to my spouse, if I am being out in the open with everyone I
am involved with, then why must I act as if I can’t be trusted to control
myself? Do we really believe that we are
all so subject to moral failure that we must have no interaction with the
opposite sex outside of a handshake across the aisle on Sunday morning? Is this what Jesus modeled for us?
Let me take a minute and make one thing very
clear. I am not talking about
clandestine meetings, long hours spent completely alone working or traveling
together, emails and text messages that are hidden from your spouse. These things are dangerous. If you find you are drawn to these types of
activities I urge you to re-examine your relationship with your spouse and get
the help you may need to strengthen your marriage. Because once those boundaries are crossed,
there is no going back and inevitably, great damage is done to all parties
involved. You must take precautions
against affairs of the heart as well as of the body. The first, so easily leads to the
second.
No, I’m talking about good, old-fashioned, life enriching,
spiritually edifying friendships. Why
would we think that once someone is married they have no more need for
relational input from anyone of the opposite sex aside from their spouse? Jesus certainly did not act this way. There are many stories of times he interacted
with women, was alone with a woman, and even allowed a woman to touch him, which
as a rabbi was unheard of! Yet he didn’t
shy away from entering into relationships with women. He knew the motives of his heart were pure so
it mattered not what anyone else thought.
When will we, as a church, decide to not allow anyone else dictate to us
what is appropriate?
This same friend looked at me completely aghast when I
mentioned I had run into a gentleman from my church at Starbucks and we sat and
talked for an hour at a table alone. I
say alone - we were in the middle of Starbucks!
Evidently, this could have given others reason to get the wrong
idea. It could have reflected badly on
both of us. I just don’t get it. I
really don’t. I am a happily married,
totally committed, Christian woman who had coffee with a happily married, totally
committed, Christian who just happened to be my brother in Christ instead of my
sister in Christ. How is that
inappropriate? How much have we missed
out on because we have worried about what other people might deem inappropriate
instead of what Christ says about it?
Once my eyes were open to this issue, I have seen it
everywhere. I see it in the side to side
hugs or those hugs where you stand three feet away and lean in so that the only
thing that ever really touches is the shoulders and arms. In our desperate attempt to make sure that
nothing could be construed as sexual, we have, in fact, made everything
sexual. Is it that we honestly believe
that every man is just a ball of hormones walking around and every female is
either on the prowl or so morally frail as to be vulnerable to being swept away
by a genuine, love of Christ-filled hug across the pew during the meet and
greet? Once again, let me make clear, I
am not advocating bumping and grinding across the aisles! I am simply suggesting that we should be able
to treat our brothers and sisters in Christ as if they were just that – our
blood brothers and sisters. No one would
think anything was amiss if my brother gave me a good old fashioned squeeze. And it would certainly raise no eyebrows for
us to be seen sharing a table at Starbucks.
I have a couple of guy friends and they enrich my life
in ways that are different from my women friends. I have varying levels of friendships with
their wives and my husband and I also enjoy socializing with them as couples. There has never been anything remotely
approaching inappropriate in our relationships and it would rile my dander if
anyone suggested as much. We are the
body of Christ and the body is not segregated.
We must use wisdom in all of our relationships, but we should never let
fear dictate them. I have heard
reactions on the level of the red scare of the 50’s and 60’s!
We do a disservice to each other when we act as if we
are untouchable. When a Christian
brother deems it unsuitable to give me a hug or have a private conversation, it
sends a very quiet, but definite message.
On the surface, you could say that it is a sign of honor and respect,
but is it really? I would argue it could
be construed as just the opposite. It
could be seen as a sign that my femininity cannot be trusted. Either he is
prone to being morally compromised, or my femininity is a dangerous entity that
could draw him in and make him fall into sin.
The body of Christ needs men and women who will embrace
their masculinity and femininity in its purest form, not a perverted sexualized
version, but the beauty and strength each is meant to have by the design of the
creator. It is the interaction of the
two that gives the body depth and color.
Without it we become two, flat, one-dimensional halves of what should be
a vibrant, living community.
So I challenge you, my faithful readers, to take a good
look at how you relate with all of the members of the body of Christ. You may very well be greatly enriched in ways
you would have never expected when you let your walls down and stop being
afraid to relate on a heart level with those of the opposite sex in the pew
across from you.
Until next time I’ll be here, doing what I usually
do. You know, chasing kids and dogs, refereeing
teenage dramafests and generally trying to restore peace and order to the
world, all while figuring out who all these teenagers are and why they keep
calling me Mom!!
Soaked in His blessings,
Spokenfor
